{"id":3346,"date":"2018-10-05T12:56:10","date_gmt":"2018-10-05T16:56:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dragonauthors.com\/bookwyrms\/?p=3346"},"modified":"2018-10-05T12:56:10","modified_gmt":"2018-10-05T16:56:10","slug":"heloise-and-grimple","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dragonauthors.com\/bookwyrms\/2018\/10\/05\/heloise-and-grimple\/","title":{"rendered":"The comedy cult classic that George RR Martin and JRR Tolkein did not write. At all."},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-218\" src=\"https:\/\/dragonauthors.com\/bookwyrms\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/tiny-star.png\" alt=\"gold star\" width=\"30\" height=\"30\" \/><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-218\" src=\"https:\/\/dragonauthors.com\/bookwyrms\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/tiny-star.png\" alt=\"gold star\" width=\"30\" height=\"30\" \/><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-218\" src=\"https:\/\/dragonauthors.com\/bookwyrms\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/tiny-star.png\" alt=\"gold star\" width=\"30\" height=\"30\" \/><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-218\" src=\"https:\/\/dragonauthors.com\/bookwyrms\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/tiny-star.png\" alt=\"gold star\" width=\"30\" height=\"30\" \/><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-218\" src=\"https:\/\/dragonauthors.com\/bookwyrms\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/tiny-star.png\" alt=\"gold star\" width=\"30\" height=\"30\" \/><\/p>\n<h4 id=\"title\" class=\"a-size-large a-spacing-none\"><strong><span id=\"ebooksProductTitle\" class=\"a-size-extra-large\">The Chronicle of Heloise &amp; Grimple, by Sean Gibson<\/span><\/strong><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\"><i>The Chronicle of Heloise &amp; Grimple<\/i> is a very <i>particular<\/i> kind of novel. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">Specifically, it\u2019s the kind of novel that looks perfectly innocent and adorable sitting there on the shelf, staring up at you with those huge, adoring eyes, until you actually bring it home\u2014at which time it begins eating objects you would have thought entirely incapable of being eaten (not just inedible, mind you, but <i>literally<\/i> incapable of being eaten), fetching things like boots or garden hoses that you\u2019re reasonably certain have never belonged to you, and engaging in other, similar antics that you really shouldn\u2019t laugh at but you just can\u2019t help yourself because where the hell did it find an unopened\u00a0<i>gallon<\/i>\u00a0of peanut butter and how did it even manage to pick the thing up, let alone carry it back home?<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">Oh, wait. No, that\u2019s our dog.\u00a0We got confused for a minute because they\u2019re both so funny, but we\u2019ve got it straightened back out now. (While there are certain aspects of the two, meaning\u00a0the book and the dog,\u00a0that might cause you, at least at first blush, to mistake the one for the other, there is a simple yet definitive way to distinguish them, which is that we would never give our dog a 5-star review.)<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p3\"><span class=\"s1\">Don\u2019t judge. You don\u2019t live with him.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/2ydqZ24\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><button class=\"button\">Amazon<\/button><\/a><\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Look, never mind. Forget about the dog. Here\u2019s what it is. Imagine that JRR Tolkien and George RR Martin decided to get together and write the <em>Dungeons &amp; Dragons<\/em> adventure to end all <em>Dungeons &amp; Dragons<\/em> adventures, painstakingly researching every <em>D&amp;D<\/em> module ever created and rigorously formulating an intricate plot that will guide three to four intrepid heroes (over the course of a single weekend of dice, ale, and unmitigated what-happens-in-the-dungeon-stays-in-the-dungeon debauchery) through an epic journey that will <i>finally<\/i> tie the entire <em>D&amp;D<\/em> universe together into one great and perfect Theory of Everything\u2026 only to remember at the last possible moment that JRR Tolkien is dead and that Wizards of the Coast never signed off on the project anyway, making the entire undertaking null and void.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">So the studio that already paid for the movie rights (scrambling to salvage whatever it can) ditches the big-name director and the A-list actors and the magnificent sets that all would have cost a fortune, tosses JRR Tolkien\u2019s ghost out on his ear (easier said than done, by the way, but they call Hollywood \u201cthe place where the magic happens\u201d for a reason), replaces George RR Martin with Sean Gibson, substitutes a local coffee shop for the tavern scenes, a Walmart for the Castle of Majestic Solitude, and a couple of unidentifiable backlot costumes for the entire CGI department.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Then, in a stroke of genius (brought on by the sheer panic of realizing what he\u2019s up against), Sean Gibson rewrites the entire script overnight, re-pitches it to the studio as a musical farce the next morning, shoots it over the span of a single week (filming the requisite medieval-esque \u201cscene setting\u201d footage by sneaking the entire crew onto the set of <i>The Outpost<\/i> after dark), and ends up with a cult classic comedy blockbuster that nobody saw coming.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">You know, <i>that<\/i> kind of novel.<\/span><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h4>From the publisher:<\/h4>\n<p>A bard walks in on a dark elf dealing cards to a beholder, a mind flayer, a demon, a grouchy-looking wizard, and what is either a vampire or a really pale guy with an unfortunate widow\u2019s peak\u2026.<\/p>\n<p>The set-up for a bad joke? Nope (well, maybe that, too)\u2014just a typical day at the office for adventuring partners Heloise, Erithea\u2019s most beautiful, witty, talented, and occasionally prone to talking in the third-person half-elven bard, and her powerful hill giant companion, Grimple, who doesn\u2019t look like a hill giant anymore because he made the mistake of crossing a lich and getting illusioned (yes, it\u2019s a word\u2026or, at least, we\u2019re going to pretend it\u2019s one) into something even more ridiculous. (Grimple is kind of an idiot.)<\/p>\n<p>It turns out that getting adventuring work when your hill giant companion looks like a sickly gnome (despite retaining his giant strength) isn\u2019t easy, so what\u2019s a beautiful, witty, and talented half-elven bard to do? The answer, of course, is obvious: set off on a quest, idiotic hill giant partner in tow, to confront the lich who transformed him in the first place, and look really good doing it. Along the way, chances are good that adventures will be had, wrongs will be righted, songs will be sung, monsters will be smited, treasure will be won, and, perhaps, love will be made to burly dwarves (or, more accurately, dwarf, singular\u2014I\u2019m not really a party girl).<\/p>\n<p>Part parody, part homage, and all woman, <em>The Chronicle of Heloise &amp; Grimple<\/em> lampoons the greatest fantasy adventures of yore even as it upholds the very best traditions of the genre (and, I might add, looks really good doing it).<\/p>\n<p>But, don\u2019t take my word for it\u2014here\u2019s what people across Erithea are saying about The Chronicle of Heloise &amp; Grimple:<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<em>The Chronicle of Heloise &amp; Grimple<\/em> is one of the greatest sagas ever set to music by one of the, um, wait\u2014what did you want me to say here? I can\u2019t read your handwriting. \u2018One of the most talented, beautiful and sweet\u2019\u2014does that say \u2018sweet-canned\u2019? Seriously? Because I\u2019m not saying that. Wait\u2014why don\u2019t I get title credit, too? If it weren\u2019t for me, you and Grimple would never have\u2026hey! Hey! Ow! Put your dagger away, Heloise! Fine\u2014I\u2019ll say it! It\u2019s great. Geez. Just read it, all right?\u201d<br \/>\n&#8211;Kevil, Wizard<\/p>\n<p>(All proceeds from the first 150 copies sold of <em>The Chronicle of Heloise &amp; Grimple<\/em> will be donated to ProLiteracy (www.proliteracy.org), an organization that promotes adult literacy through content development, programs, and advocacy.)<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em>Nobody pays us to recommend anything, although we wish they would. Want to pay us a million dollars to write a review? Contact us at our email in the footer of this website. Fee somewhat negotiable.<\/em><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><script type=\"text\/javascript\">\namzn_assoc_tracking_id = \"trashdogs-20\";\namzn_assoc_ad_mode = \"manual\";\namzn_assoc_ad_type = \"smart\";\namzn_assoc_marketplace = \"amazon\";\namzn_assoc_region = \"US\";\namzn_assoc_design = \"enhanced_links\";\namzn_assoc_asins = \"B01M0ADP12\";\namzn_assoc_placement = \"adunit\";\namzn_assoc_linkid = \"d76db4a3ab037918141d13472243adc3\";\n<\/script><br \/>\n<script src=\"\/\/z-na.amazon-adsystem.com\/widgets\/onejs?MarketPlace=US\"><\/script><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The Chronicle of Heloise &amp; Grimple, by Sean Gibson The Chronicle of Heloise &amp; Grimple is a very particular kind of novel. Specifically, it\u2019s the kind of novel that looks perfectly innocent and adorable sitting there on the shelf, staring up at you with those huge, adoring eyes, until you actually bring it home\u2014at which 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